OMNISLASH, MOTHERBITCHES!!

Finally......the drama is over. Forgive me, all. I know you must be tired of that shite by now. Nothings perfect.

NOW- -  I know that I have been playing the FFVII original game, my first one, for four years......but you must understand now...I haven't played for two years and, even the two years before that, I played on and off. I'm straying from the point.

OMNISLASH!! The one thing I was afraid to get... I thought it would be hard but it wasn't. All I needed was a White Cape, a little courage and endurance and  32000 Battle Points. It was easy to me.

AND THEN.....i went for the W-Summon. I got that too. That was a little harder, though. I needed 64000 Battle Points. It only took about half an hour. YAY ME!

I'm so happy. Summer doesn't hate me, still wants me and is still coming. I'm happy as fuck.

W00T!!    <(^_^<)

Currently Listening In Love and Death By The Used I'm a Fake see related

What Distance Has Yet To Tear Apart, Fear Just Might...

Tonight....was something for me to remember. I lost myself....lost myself deep in something that I refuse to let happen again.

And, I..... I attempted something again I promised her I'd never do again, though I did not even touch the sharp edge to my skin.....even so, whats left of her trust in me? Nothing, probably. I've scarred it too times and I doubt she'll ever trust me again....not even with her heart. So, maybe this is the end.....maybe this is finally MY end. Maybe.....I dont know.

As her silence spoke louder that anything she'd ever said to me, I couldn't find it in me to try and help or even attempt to ease her pain....I know she felt some to not be talking to me. I thought the whole time....about that night. The night I knew that something I wanted wasn't everything and everything I needed was nothing at all. The night I knew......that what I wanted most didn't want me. But, then after all that 'knowing,' I knew otherwise. Thats not the point however. The point is....that I fucked up hugely. I....violated this love..and its to change everything, I can feel it. Not a bone in my aching body seems to want to tell me otherwise.

And, as the morning moves on, I can feel myself just darkening.....before the eyes of those who cannot crack my code, break my shell....before the eyes of those who can't read my own. Before her, she'd know. She'd see, understand and help....but no one else. Not a damn one of them. They don't see truly....they don't know me well enough.

I can't take this pain. No peace will be found in myself this morning. I think I'll go.....medicate and then cry myself to sleep. If anything, I've found that no pain matches the pain I create myself. My mistakes, my problems and my conditions...are all a by-product of the pain and the anger I make MYSELF.

So, don't ever say it was you, baby. Its never you.....only me. Only I can control my destiny, be it as short, slow and painful as it is. Don't worry yourself anymore over me. My mum was right......you run too many circles around me. They're an immense waste of you, love. It's high time....that you found your real true love....something perfect enough for you. Not someone who will unnerve you to no return, someone whose too difficult for you to maintain, more than you can handle. Not someone....like me. You deserve.....so much better. You deserve someone who will love every contour and curve of your body as well as every sarcastic point you make and every smart moments you have......someone who will love everything about you..as I did. I believe this entirely. The question is, however......do you?

~I wish that this hadn't happened. I wish none of this had changed. Nothing will EVER stop me from loving you, Summer....I know that for fact. Just.....tell me that its over if you feel it is or should be. And, forgive me if its not.

If Love Is Surrender......Then Whose War Is It Anyway?

Today was teh suck-ness...

Got up at four, of freakin' course. I got up, went to the bathroom and five fuckin' seconds later, my grandmother tells me I have to go somewhere....I wasn't opposed, I was like....I JUST woke up, dang. No shower, nothing.   -sighs-   So, whatever. We did that and came back and I ate some Chicken Corn Chowder. Yeah, then I went and got on the computer. I didn't do much at all and then, I had to leave. Fuck people. I hate my damn family. I want to slap every single one of them....except for Julie, Gram and Pop...them I'd slap twice.  So, yeah, I left....I came home pissed of course. I had actually planned to write some stuff...but I felt so nasty 'cause I hadn't taken a shower. I took an hour long one and kinda just...stood there, thinking. But, yeah.. My mum came into the bathroom and showed me Chewie. I got all happy and wanted to just hold her but mom took her out. So, I just continued with my shower. After I got out, I got all dressed and Douglas brought the dog in to me. I played with her for a sec inside and then put her harness and stuff back on and stuff. I took her for a rather long walk and went to my grandmother's. I showed her to Julie and Gram and Pop, of course. Pop wasn't too happy and Gram doesn't like dogs.....but she continued to comment on how cute she was and how not to let her go for fear she would approach her. Now....this dog is only about fifteen-twenty inches tall and is very sweet and doesn't bark or growl and is very happy and hyper and stuff....but my grandmother was deathly afraid of her even coming close. So, I left, rather pissed....AGAIN.  The shite never fucking ends with that carp-ass section of my family. So, yeah...THAT was my day. Big fucking whoop.  Oh, yeah....and all day I thought about Summer. So, congratulate me on mah absolutely wondrous day....and I'll kill you.

Aki~

Please Forgive Me

  Ah, well... Yesterday, I was at my grandmother's house. I got up and immediately went over there. We hung out for quite a bit, just me, Pop, Gram and Jules. 'Course I woke up at effin' three in the afternoon, but, yeah... So anyway, me and Julie went to the store later that night. Maybe, like around eight or so. That went smoothly and all but when we got back, she was going to take a shower. So, she did that and I went into her room to attempt to beat the game i started and never finished 'cause I knew Sephiroth was gonna whoop mah ass.  @_@  So, I decided that while I occupied my hands, I would call and talked to Natsu-sama. She answered the phone and I could like barely hear her...she explained here day to me, basically, and, let me tell you, it didn't seem real fun from my standpoint...AND, i felt like it was sort of my fault that her little day-long 'issue' took place at all...but she told it wasn't. Then, as the conversation kind of dissintegrated because of her...becoming somewhat busy and me actually whooping some sort of Sephi-angel-demon thing to a nice bloody pulp, my grandmother called me out to the living room....because i was on the phone. I kinda lied and told her that I was talking to a kid named Nick because she doesn't know about me being...well, what I am. And, she took the phone and hung it up. I got pissed and slammed the door in her face and told her I was leaving. She said that I should do whatever I wanted but not to come back and I was like fine. I got my shoes on and was looking for my stuff when she came into the room and started talking to me about my mom and my 'past as she called. She talked about how my mom practically dated my father over the phone and talked about her getting pregnant by my dad and not telling her until i was five months developed. I just sat there, listening and trying to tune it out because she was basically saying that she didn't like the fact that I was talking to a boy, even though i really wasn't. I guess it could ave all been avoided if i had told her that I was actually talking to a girl. Yeah, but after we'd cooled off, I tried to find a way to come out to her, I had made a quick decision then to. I flipped through a bible looking for the places where it said that homosexuality was bad and found nothing....so I gave up. Five minutes later, I tried again, looking in an Awake! index. My grandmother is very religious and I dont exactly believe in ther religion so I was trying to tell her through her own medium that I was gay and that she should just get on with it and shun me because I have 'chosen to sin and refuse to inherit the "kingdom."' Yeah, so all night, pretty much, I looked through a shit load of books trying to find the perfect few scriptures to put into a simple little confession and then I planned to leave before she said anything but I got, like, super distracted and strayed from the idea at all. So, yeah. I feel really bad now because I wanted to call Summer back all freakin' night but I couldn't because my grandmother wouldn't let me use the phone for fear I would call another guy.

So, I'm saying this now......I'm sorry, Summer. I hope I'll get to talk to you later on today. I hope all goes smoother than it did yesterday at work. I miss that significantly lust-ful voice of yours already.

Love ya,

         Aki-sama   <3

Currently Listening Stuck in America By Sugarcult see related

Trial and Error and a Lot of Crizzap

Been a while as I've said. I don't necessarily find it a must to update this anymore.

Although she still updates hers and so I figure, why not?

Life's been good. Quite well in some aspects. I'm actually enthusiastic about the next day, despite what it may hold for me. Which is weird, even for me to feel so 'happy' about just life. But yea, and for once not because of her, but because I'm getting through this.

I'm getting through it all: On my own... That's right, all by myself.

I try not to center my life around her 24/7, I try not to make it seem like she's the one piece holding me together, I try not to make my moms life miserable even though I don't mean to.

Now, I'm trying to work things out in my life in my own way at my own pace all on my own. In a sense, I'm slowly "rediscovering" myself...

And I'm just glad Summer's there for me whenever I may need her. It's comforting to know that she's a real true friend.

But as of right now, I'm going to crawl before I walk again. It's my way of saying, "Yes, I know she's there and yes, I know I love her. But I need to gather my thoughts on my own and get my ass up and work out my own personal problems by myself." And I think this new NEW me will benefit not only myself, but everyone in my life.

This is quite a big step for me, but one that I have to endure on my own without pressuring someone else to do it for me... It's not fair for them to have to wait on me hand and foot because of something I got myself into... And now that I've figured that out on my own, (Yay me! XD) I understand now why my mom's still uncomfortable with me talking to her...

In time, I believe this will strengthen both my mind and my way of thinking in the future. And knowing that she's there for me as well as my "moms", yes, both of them, are there, only makes this journey of self-rediscovery worth the while. And I know that they are all counting on me to come out strong.

And I don't plan to fail them... Not them, never...